Monday, 9 July 2018

Heavy

My heart feels heavy.
I feel things intensely and deeply. Sometimes I see this as a good personality trait and at other times it seems too hard. 
Things change a lot when you become a parent, that's a universal fact. Your close circle changes and time becomes an even more limited commodity than it already is. 
Your child transforms before your eyes in what seems like a mix of incredibly long days, short weeks and even shorter months and years.  Sometimes the people you wanted to be around for that aren't, and that hurts. 
Catching up with people is also hard when you have spent the majority of your child's life riddled with anxiety and depression and having people around has intensified that to the point that it's just not possible most of the time.
I have come to realise that my health has inadvertently alienated some people from our life, and therefore Isaac's life, through no fault of his own.  I promise I have tried my best. I have said and done things that I have simply had to for my own sanity and peace of mind.  I have never meant to hurt anyone or exclude anyone and our circle is actually much smaller than I originally thought it would be.  That's OK, but it is hard not to blame myself for the possibility that Isaac is the one who is ultimately missing out.  We have had to shelter ourselves in a bubble for the most part as we have navigated the last two years.  Every child and family unit is so different, and unfortunately it doesn't feel like that fact is respected by many people.  If they can do it, why can't we? We only have one child, he has to learn, blah blah - I get that, but it's our life, and therefore our choice.  We are the ones who have to deal with the fallout of an over tired toddler, Reid is the one who has to comfort his sobbing wife because she can't handle the thought of going out or as she falls apart as soon as they get home.  That's not pleasant, and we avoid the situation altogether for now if we can.  We also value our time together, just the three of us.  I crave time alone with just Reid and Isaac if we have been too busy for too long.  That's just how it is.  And it's our prerogative at the end of the day. We are each other's priority.  That doesn't mean that we don't love our other family and friends, but for now, we need space and we need it often.
I want to take the time to thank the people who have been patient with Reid and I during this time and those who remain patient. The people who have understood that it's not that we don't want to go out and socialise or have people over a lot - but we just can't.  Isaac's routine is important to us; a year of sleep deprivation and dealing with my intense panic and emotional outbursts have taught us the hard way that we have to limit late nights and over stimulation for our little boy and for me.  I totally get that it's hard to understand if you aren't in our shoes.  Unfortunately, we have to do what we have to do and I will always prioritise what's going to be best for all of us at any given time.  I can literally feel the judgment coming our way from a lot of people that I thought would always support us and understand, and that hurts, but I get it.  It must be confusing if you haven't felt how I feel.  I hate that I'm at a point where I am writing this explanatory post that is probably coming across selfishly, I just want to try to explain.


Thank you again to those who have stood by us, and to those who have given up -


I'm sorry.

2 comments:

  1. You amazing woman. It takes so much courage to speak from your heart like this when its what consumes you. Isaac is a lucky young man to have your love Katy ♡

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much Heather, that means a lot to me! x

    ReplyDelete