DOING: Sitting in mine and Reid's room, typing this post for a bit of "me-time" while Reid and Isaac have some quality time together.
HEARING: My weekly "chill mix" from iTunes, nothing is really jumping out at me as a worthy of downloading yet...
DRINKING: Lots of water, coffee and a delicious green-chai tea blend I grabbed from the supermarket yesterday. I've been making ginger/lemon water and keeping it in the fridge for through the week and it's really refreshing and helps get that water intake up.
EATING AND COOKING: I was gifted Jamie Oliver's 5 Ingredients recipe book for Christmas and I'm loving it! I made a beautiful harissa chicken that's cooked with onion and capsicum and roasted some beautiful Dutch Cream potatoes to go with it last weekend. Tonight I'm making pesto-stuffed chicken breasts with beans, plus I just finished making a standard garlic/hoisin beef stir fry for Monday and Tuesday night and I frittata for Isaac for tonight. I'll portion the rest up and put it in the freezer for those nights I haven't got time/can't be bothered making him something from scratch.
WANTING: My anxiety to go away for good.
LOOKING: Today Mum and I went and looked at a local gym we are thinking of joining. It was great! A small, family-run gym with a really lovely vibe. Great class choice, good equipment PLUS a crèche and a café - ticking all the boxes for me and definitely helping me feel more inspired for my 2018 "more exercise" intention I wrote about in my last post.
DECIDING: What to do for Isaac's 2nd birthday. We are definitely keeping things pretty casual this year, just family and maybe some close friends over for an afternoon tea, with a homemade cake, some balloons and music.
ENJOYING: Conversations with Isaac. He is so chatty, making the most adorable little sentences and is VERY clear at communicating what he wants. He is still obsessed with trucks and buses, playing outside (especially with water "bawder", as he calls it "more bawder pease Mama!") and music/dancing. His little personality is developing so quickly, he definitely has a very intense grumpy side, but he is also absolutely hilarious and has become very cuddly of late; running into our arms and saying "awwww" as he snuggles into our necks. SO cute.
WATCHING: Reid and I just finished season two of Better Call Saul which we really enjoyed and are currently finishing season 3 of Orange is the New Black. We aren't enjoying that show as much as the first two seasons but it's still good. I am also incredibly excited for season 3 of Grace and Frankie which is coming out this Friday!
READING: Reid bought me a beautiful book of poetry for Christmas that I just finished today while Isaac napped called The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur. It was beautifully written, I really enjoyed it. I am also getting through All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr which is an absolutely incredible book.
BUYING: We just ordered some good quality shoes for Isaac; a little pair of slip on sneaker type ones and a cute pair of sandals. I feel like it's important for growing feet to have good support so this is something I was happy to spend a bit of money on. We ordered them from Walnut, which I have heard is a really good brand.
PLANNING: Reid and I are both taking a couple of weeks off in April, and we are trying to decide whether to go away for a few nights; somewhere where Isaac can run around and we can just get away for a bit.
CRAVING: My answer to this always seems to be coffee or chocolate, or both! And today is no different haha.
LOVING: How much I'm cherishing Isaac. I look back at photos when he was first born and honestly feel like I'm forgetting things already. My mental state at that time probably doesn't help the memories, but I don't want to forget. The sound of his voice and the way he says words. The way he is CONSTANTLY running and jumping and climbing. The way he hates having his hair dried after a bath. The way he lines his trucks up in a perfect row before he goes to bed. The way he says "Mama" or "Mummy" and runs into my arms. Just, everything.
PLAYING: With Lego, with trucks, with water, with dirt and sand. Pretty much anything and everything. I take Isaac's lead and especially love the moments he is happy to play by himself, immersed in his own little world. It is beautiful to watch.
FEELING: A bit sad. It's been a long couple of weeks. My anxiety has been pretty bad and I have been feeling really guilty about any negative feelings I have about motherhood and the struggles I've had in the past and present. I feel like I could never explain postnatal depression to someone who has lost their baby, who can't have a baby, who has miscarried or had a stillbirth. I feel like they would think I am incredibly selfish and that conditions like PND are ridiculous, when they would do anything to have a precious baby in their arms. Nobody has said anything to me directly, and I am absolutely aware it is my brain saying that this is what people would think - but I have seen things online and watched people experience some of these horrible, incredibly unfair things and it makes anything I have felt seem so insignificant. I can't imagine the heartbreak, the immeasurable pain of losing a child in any way. If anything, these feelings have made me hug Isaac tighter, breathe through his tantrums and try to put my stupid phone down (I really need to limit my phone time more) and just be with him. I don't know if I will ever come to terms with what I have been through and how insanely stupid it must seem to some people. I know, I am so beyond lucky. Even though I have and still do battle with PND and anxiety, every single day, I am thankful. I am more than grateful for Isaac and would be completely lost without him. My heart goes out to any parent who has suffered the cruel, devastating loss of any child. It is unfathomable to me. My heart breaks for you. At the end of the day, I need to be aware that PND is an illness and most definitely not a choice, and I can only hope that by talking about it, that becomes common knowledge and more widely understood.