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Happenings ~29th October 2017

DOING: Sitting on the couch in the rumpus room with Reid, typing this post while he plays his Xbox and Isaac naps.

HEARING: "Best of Us Go Down" by Aquilo.  I've been really enjoying this band and they regularly pop up in my weekly recommended playlists on iTunes.

DRINKING: I just finished drinking an iced coffee.  I have such a weakness for them and try to limit them to only once a week, because: sugar.  It was so good though.  Otherwise I have been having my usual drinks - lots of coffee, lots of water with lemon and the odd green tea.

EATING AND COOKING: I have been getting right back into my roasted vegetable obsession.  Roasting up big trays of sweet potato and broccoli every week.  Isaac is loving frittatas, so I have been making those with chopped sweet potato, broccoli, carrot and corn. He seems to be coming out of his brief fussy stage and is back to eating pretty much everything again which is a huge relief for me. I have been very predictable with our dinners of late, favouring cooking in bulk to get us through a few nights because I am tired/busy.  Stir-fry, curry, Bolognese, inventive casserole type dishes with whatever we have on hand - sometimes this works out well and other times not...

WANTING: A lemon tree.  I think I might ask for one for Christmas... I am obsessed with lemons and nothing tastes as good as home-grown.

LOOKING: At play equipment that might be good for Isaac for his Christmas present. Far out - it is EXPENSIVE.  I have also been looking online at learning towers for him so he can help me in the kitchen.  He loves pottering around while I do things; he's obsessed with helping unpack the dishwasher and I know he would love helping me do food prep.

DECIDING: What to get people for Christmas presents (it's not even November yet and the last three points have talked about Christmas haha... oops).

ENJOYING: The fact that my anxiety has been improving so consistently.  I am very slowly weaning from some medication (this will be a long journey) and so far I am coping well.  I kind of don't realise until I do something that once would have been practically impossible, then afterwards it's like a light bulb goes on and I feel proud and content.

WATCHING: Reid and I are still getting through House of Cards, it is SO good.  I have just started season three of Jane the Virgin which is always a good show to tune out to.

READING: I have actually started to make time for reading again over the last few weeks which feels great. At the minute I have started Crazy, Busy, Guilty by Lauren Sams which is entertaining and funny so far.  At the same time, depending what I'm in the mood for, I am re-reading A Thousand Days in Venice by Marlena de Blasi, because her writing is just so beautiful. I also just finished Em Rusciano's autobiography.  I think she is hilarious!

BUYING: Summer clothes for Isaac. Lots of cute shorts and t-shirts are starting to make an appearance as we head into warmer weather (finally!).

PLANNING: Reid and I have been deep in "future planning" mode of late.  We are in the midst of deciding when we will sell our house, along with looking at house plans we love, deciding where we would like to live long-term and trying to get into a good savings routine.  For now, it looks like we will stay where we are for a few more years, but it's good to have a focus and a long term goal in place because neither of us are 100% happy with where we are now; although at the same time we are incredibly grateful to have our own beautiful home and are proud of our achievements so far.

CRAVING: Chocolate. All the chocolate.  And coffee - that will never change.

LOVING: How incredibly grateful I've been feeling.  That "overwhelming love" that mothers always talk about is finally starting to make proper sense to me.  I look at Isaac and just get these waves of incredible joy and pride and disbelief that he is mine.  His constant chatter, his mischievous personality and ridiculous level of cuteness make me melt these days.  There are still a lot of hard moments, I find myself trying so hard to be patient with him as he learns new skills and still wakes through the night and starts the day SO early (a couple of 4:30am starts this week...) but mostly I just savour all the cuddles that are just for Mummy, cherish how his voice sounds right now "Mama, Mummy!" "Nanaaa (banana)" "Gactor (tractor)" "Boop! (book)" along with so many other words he is putting into cute little sentences and is just generally blowing my mind.  So many feelings.  Motherhood is nothing like I expected, it is more than I could have ever imagined - in both positive and negative ways.

I'm also really loving and appreciating Sundays.  The one day a week that Reid is guaranteed not to work.  We always get up early (thanks Isaac), Reid and I have a coffee while Isaac has a snack, usually a yoghurt or a muesli bar "mah bar!" (I buy Kez's Free and Naked brand which he loves).  We watch some nursery rhymes together depending on our energy levels and then I normally make banana pancakes, or Reid makes eggs on toast.  We play outside and drink more coffee, then Reid and I spend some time together (even if it's technically doing our own thing) which Isaac snoozes.  We have the whole day together as a family and it's just so lovely.  We have time to eat all our meals together, time to play and read and cuddle.  It's the best.

PLAYING: Outside!  It is so nice to be able to go outside and not freeze and have to come in after a quick play which almost always ended in a toddler meltdown.  Isaac and I now spend big chunks of the day outside.  We bought him a $13 sandpit (those classic clam shaped ones) and we build sandcastles, and hide our hands under the sand, Isaac giggling like mad when I uncover his fingers one by one.  We fill up the other side of the sandpit with water if it's warm enough and that is the best fun ever; splashing and playing with paintbrushes and bowls and old steamer saucepans that make it "rain" on Isaac's head.  He is obsessed with our broom and will quite happily push that around for 20 minutes or so, pretending to clean and usually making any mess worse as kids do. 

FEELING: Content. Sure, there are tough moments where I still feel really crap and tired and like the most useless person in the world - but I know that's largely my anxiety talking.  These days I am enjoying most things.  I am enjoying work, being productive and earning money again.  I am enjoying my days at home, including Isaac in chores and spending hours just playing and seeing him get so much joy from that.  I don't beat myself up for sitting down while he naps anymore, as long as any big things I need to do are out of the way.  I write lists and I prep meals and I do a million loads of washing - and it all makes me really happy.  I feel less frazzled and more in control.  I still feel restricted in certain ways because my mental health still runs the show some of the time, but as silly as it might sound, I finally feel more free. 


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Happenings ~ 4th October 2018

DOING: Lying in bed, writing this post. I had my first appointment with a new psychologist today (spoiler alert, she's amazing), and the first session with a therapist is always really emotional and tiring. I had some time in lieu owed to me from work, so I have taken full advantage of that today. Mum and Dad are taking Isaac to their bush block for the night and he was SO excited. I am really grateful for this rest. 
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