Everything seems so much clearer. We can save money again. We can buy things we want, not just need, again. We can start paying extra off the mortgage. I can breathe. I can feel productive and appreciated and socially capable with my anxiety kept at bay. My agoraphobia seems to be entirely related to going anywhere public with Isaac. Walking into work on Monday morning honestly felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. My wonderful colleagues both in my office and across Australia (my team is spread all over the country, I am the only one in Tassie but get to work with some amazing people in person who work in different departments), have made me feel so welcome and missed.
Isaac is happy at childcare, he always has a great day and he gets to spend a day a week with my Mum which he loves as well. I know he is happy and well cared for and I don't spend my day constantly worrying about him. I do miss him, but I am distracted and busy doing something I largely enjoy. The impact one week has had on my mental health already is huge. I know there will be hard days and weeks, but I am honestly shocked at how good I feel.
Having said that, of course there is a twinge of guilt. Isn't there always? Shouldn't I want to be with Isaac 24/7? Isn't that what Mums want? It's what my Mum did with me and my brothers and sisters (until I was 8 years old) and she never complained. Ugh, why do I ALWAYS have to compare myself to other people? It is so frustrating but impossible for me to avoid. As soon as one question starts, a million follow, then all of a sudden I feel like the worst mother in the world no matter what I do. So many choices face todays Mums. What is best is such an individual thing depending on a family's circumstances, yet we still compare and question and judge. Do we ever know what's right?
At the minute, working most definitely feels right. Financially we have no choice right now regardless, but even if it wasn't for that - I think I would be wanting to work. Maybe I had too much time off. Maybe it was all contributing to how miserable I had been feeling. I was waiting for when I felt well enough to return, but maybe I needed to return in order to finally start feeling well again...?
I guess only time will tell. I am definitely exhausted and know that physically, things are going to be a lot more demanding now. My cleaning OCD doesn't help as I know I am going to need more rest when I can get it, but find it impossible to relax if things in the house aren't done. Isaac isn't sleeping well at all which is also making things hard. It is all a big transition for all of us, so I am doing my best to be patient and do whatever it is he needs overnight at the minute (which is largely to sleep with us, something I try to avoid but am giving in to more and more as it is the only way to get him to settle). We need a bigger bed! I hope things will calm down with his sleep again soon, but you never know with babies. My love for coffee has never been so strong.
All in all, I have had a really good week. Things will settle into a better routine the more I get used to that morning rush-around I hope, and staying on top of meal prep will be really important as well. Organisation is key for me at this point, but also I'm just trying to enjoy these positive feelings as they come; I really hope they stick around for a while.