Tuesday, 7 February 2017

These Days With You

These days with you are ever-changing.  Cuddling, playing, feeding, crying, stressing, laughing, growing.  We are both growing.  You have evolved before my very eyes.  You were a tiny, curled up newborn, permanently attached to me.  Those days with you were the hardest.  I was not myself.  These days with you are different.  You are a little boy, crawling and taking steps and growing taller and stronger by the minute.  I am grateful for every second of every day with you, even when it may seem like I am not. 

These days with you are not perfect.  I expected perfection from myself, perfection from your Dad, perfection as a family.  Perfection may not exist - but love; well, we could not love you more if we tried. 

These days with you are hard work.  I get tired and you get grumpy and I don't always make the right decisions.  I hold you tight and wipe your tears and pray that it is enough.  We play your favourite games and sing your favourite songs.  I help you as you try to walk and you help me as I try to find my feet as your Mum.  The greatest, most important title I could ever hold.

These days with you are joyful.  We laugh and crawl around the floor, making mess and making memories.  Your smile is the light that keeps me going on those days it seems too much.  The overwhelming responsibility of keeping you safe is always at the forefront of my mind.  To protect you, to cherish you, to learn from you, to know that one day you won't need me as you do now.

These days with you are long and short all at once.  I can sometimes count every second until nap time, but then I miss you if you sleep longer than expected.  I can be at the end of my tether and then you lean in and give me a kiss and a grin, wiping away every frazzled minute.  I can't help but admire your capacity to learn; your endless curiosity and the freedom with which you explore.  I hope you never lose that, my adventurous, spirited baby boy.

These days with you are fleeting.  Things are changing, you will eventually be away from me more.  These thoughts I have pushed to the back of my mind until it has become absolutely necessary for me to think about them.  I can't imagine how I will go when there are consecutive days without you; days where I am concentrating on my work, days where my job isn't to put you down for a nap, organise your lunch or change your nappy for the millionth time.  Adjusting will be hard.  One of the hardest things I will ever have to do.

These days with you are so cherished.  So worth it.  I have been so lucky to spend this time with you.  Just you and I.  We have some time left, and I will keep cherishing these moments.  The moments when you smile, the moments when you cry and I comfort you, the moments when you are pushing me to my physical and emotional limits.  They are all moments I want to remember and think back on and smile.  Time disappears and my desperation for it to slow down remains.  It's all too fast.  The seconds tick by and now it is nearly a year since you came into our lives.  Bringing with you so much change, happiness and the overwhelming feelings that come with becoming a parent.  These days with you may be changing, but every minute is seared into my memory and my heart.   

These days with you have been and will continue to be, the absolute best days of my life. 

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