Thursday, 18 December 2014

2014 ~ The Year That Was.

My blog has been so neglected of late, as usual, life has been hectic!

It is currently 18th December, a fact that I am struggling to come to terms with as it feels like I was only celebrating the New Year yesterday!

I always try to make time to reflect on "the year that was", probably because I am a perfectionist and I like to grade myself on how my expectations actually panned out.  Normally, I fail miserably.  2014 has been around the B+ mark, so I guess that's not too bad!

2014 began with a resolution to be more positive.  A resolution to be healthier.  A resolution to be grateful.  I think I did succeed on all three accounts, although being healthier while taking my medication has really stuffed me around both mentally and physically.  No matter what I do, I feel frumpy.  I am currently weaning off my medication though, so am hoping I go better with this than the last time I tried (see previous post).

One of the biggest things that happened in 2014 was the fact that I finally took the leap and began studying my Master of Teaching part-time.  This goal has always been at the back of my mind.  This dream has always been pushed aside because of fear, but this year, I took the plunge.  It is really freaking hard to work full-time and study part-time and try to have some kind of social life.  Not to mention it would be nice not to be ridiculously exhausted all the time and take it out on people I love (Reid.. God bless him).  I am really proud of myself for doing it though, I know it will be worth it in the end.  I had this idea in my mind that I had to get it done NOW, but it really doesn't matter if it takes me a few years to complete it.

The second biggest thing would be  Reid and I moving into our very own home last week! :)  We have been working towards this goal for the majority of our relationship, it's been a conversation we've had for the last seven years and our dream has finally been realised!  We built our own home (well, paid builders to do it haha) which caused a lot of stress (I sometimes wonder if builders actually read plans or just guess how things should go??), but now that we are in there, it was all totally worth it.  There is still work to be done (e.g. a driveway and a lawn of some description), but we are paying off our own mortgage now, not someone else's.  We can now make plans for our future based on the fact that we are home-owners.  We can bring up our children in a home that we have created, that we have put our blood, sweat and tears into.  It really is an amazing feeling, even though to be honest, I don't think it has really sunken in yet!

No year is ever perfect, and I would be lying if I said I hadn't faced some struggles this year as well.  My anxiety has been pretty full on.  My medication helps, but I became even more socially withdrawn than usual in the last twelve months.  It's really hard to explain to people that you just can't physically leave the house, or physically be near anyone for a while.  I really had to push myself to see people this year.  Not because I didn't want to see them, just because I felt sick at the thought of holding a coversation, or the thought that they were probably thinking "wow, Katy has really piled the beef on".  I realise that sounds ridiculous, that's just where my brain goes.  It's such a horrible feeling to know you've put weight on and nothing you do seems to help that.   I think a lot of my anxiety this year has come from that fact, although I'll be damned if I don't admit that despite that side effect, my medication is the bomb.  It has helped me so much in so many ways and I am not ashamed to admit that.

Reid got a new job this year and I am so proud of him I could burst.  He is proof that you can do whatever you set out to do.  Hard work really does pay off and while issues in childhood can be terrible and cause lots of issues for people in their adult lives, Reid has become a better man for it.  He has chosen to take a harder, yet more beneficial path and he is reaping the rewards.  He doesn't make excuses.  That man is truly my rock and I would be completely lost without him.  Every day I thank God for him, every day I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet with him by my side.  I look forward to every New Year with him.
I have definitely become more grateful this year.  My brain often goes straight to a negative, yucky place no matter what, but this year I have really "cultivated the habit of being grateful", even when things suck a bit.  I have so much and am truly thankful for all of it. 

I am still working as a Employment Consultant within Disability Employment Services.  This job has kicked my ass for the last three years, I won't lie.  I do love the fact that it makes me determined.  I have learnt that not many people have the strength or motivation to stick it out - three years is almost worth a long service award in this industry!  It still frustates me that I'm working in a target-focussed job where the aim is to help people (I find it ethically confusing at times), but I have met so many wonderful people and do love the feeling of helping people get into work, even though it's increidbly difficult to do (especially trying to keep them there!). 

Next year I am hoping to be more settled.  More settled in myself and more settled in my relationships.  I feel I have been a bit all over the place this year, I've been so tired for a lot of the time, mostly due to all the things that have been going on, but I really want to make sure I take care of myself next year, more so than ever before.  I look forward to spending next year with my incredible husband, my wonderful family and my beautiful friends.  I look forward to more challenges at Uni and at work and I look forward to really prioritising myself and the things that are important me.  No more of this rushing and ripping from one event to another.  I plan to take more time to breathe deeply and appreciate what is happening right now and not simply focus on things that might have been or that might one day be.  Bring on 2015; may you be a year filled with happiness, a year filled with courage and a year filled with love <3

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