It's strange how things can be so great but so not-great at the same time. Right now I feel I'm caught between two worlds. One full of happy, exciting things and one full of exhaustion and fear.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks. We finally became the owners of our block of land that we had been waiting for, for nine months. We have an official start date for our house to be built and we should be in our home by Christmas. I have enrolled in my Uni subjects for this year and have bought most of the necessary things to make studying a success.
At the same time as being incredibly excited for these things, I am feeling really overwhelmed. Work has been so busy and that constant pressure really takes its toll on me. Reid has to start working weekends again which upsets me more than I can put into words, although I know it's not the end of the world (although to me, it feels like it) and I already miss him like crazy. My health has not been 100%, I've had some blood tests to hopefully figure out what's going on and everything just seems to be getting on top of me at the minute. In a few days it's been three years since my beautiful Nanna Sue passed away and I feel like I need her so much right now. I feel restless, unsettled and emotional and the smallest things seem to be taking up so much energy.
With everything that's going on, I'm trying really hard to listen to my body and what it needs and ultimately I feel that its desperate for some time out. I would love to take some annual leave but I know that's not possible at the minute with so much happening at work but it's definitely something that I'm planning for in the next few months. I need to try to figure out the best ways to cope with how I'm feeling and at the moment that seems like a mammoth task. I have started to slowly wean off my medication under my Doctor's advice, so I realise that is likely contributing to everything that is going on with me at the minute.
Being someone who struggles with mental health issues is such a daily battle. Most days I am able to function normally and get on with it, but right now I feel that if I push myself too hard I might just collapse in a heap - and that is definitely something I'm trying to avoid. I guess one of the reasons I like to write in this kind of forum, is to try to help people understand what goes on inside my head on a daily basis. Things that I have been looking forward to, such as social engagements, I've had to postpone or cancel. Seeing other people right now is just unfathomable to me. I love to see my friends, but I also don't like to drag down those around me and the energy I would need to use to be happy and engaging is literally too much for me right now. While I understand this, it also makes me feel incredibly guilty, like I should be able to just "suck it up" and pretend. Right now, this is physically impossible for me. I am so blessed that the large majority of my friends are understanding and supportive of what I go through, but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad and even unworthy at times. So I want to take this chance to say thank you to those who don't hold things like this against me. Who still keep inviting me to things, who still want to spend time with me when I am able. Just because I might need to be a hermit more often than most people, it doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate those that I am lucky enough to have in my life. So to those friends I say a heartfelt thank you.
I am now off to try and re-charge, rest, relax and reflect on why it is I'm feeling this way and how I can manage it more effectively in the future.