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Calories, Chocolate, Cravings and Crankiness.

First post for 2014 and it's already March!  As usual time has been flying by, I'm still trying to maintain positivity and mindfulness although have been finding it fairly difficult of late.

I've spoken about body issues a fair bit, so I'm sorry to be repetitive, but that's what has been occupying my mind a lot over the last couple of months. 

Six weeks ago, I signed up for the Michelle Bridges 12WBT (www.12wbt.com.au).  I was so excited about this at first, figuring this would be the kick start to really change my habits and my mindsets.  Six weeks in, I am feeling pretty torn about the whole thing.  On the one hand, I do think it is an excellent program, full of lovely, healthy recipes, full of differing exercises and online videos and forums.  I joined the women's weight loss program, which limits me to 1200 calories a day, and for my height/weight Michelle (or Mish, as I totally call her now, we are definitely friends and she totally cares about my success or failure..) I am supposed to burn 800 calories per work out, which is supposed to happen 6 days per week, and every Saturday I am supposed to burn 1000 calories.  On top of that, the site tells me not only my BMI but also my BMIR, which is how many calories I would burn on a daily basis if I just sat on the couch and did nothing all day, which for me, is around 1800.  Is it just me, or is there a serious deficit going on there?  Now, I realise that losing weight is hard work and you have to burn more calories than you eat, but that is a lot of burning going on with not a lot of eating.  I realise that losing weight is not going to happen just sitting on my backside, eating chips and chocolate (I wish), but following this program is a real struggle for me.  I see a lot of people have succeeded and that's great, I'm happy for them... but to be honest, one word that comes to my mind when I think about my behaviour over the last six weeks is... obsessed.

I have been obsessing over my calorie intake.  Obsessing over when I can have my next snack or what I can sacrifice in order to have the ever so indulgent "cheat meal".  I obsess over very detailed shopping lists as provided by Mish, becoming frustrated that it lists, 1 teaspoon of mango chutney however I can only buy a large jar, then none of the recipes for the following weeks include mango chutney, leaving it to go mouldy in my fridge.  It's really annoying.  I get annoyed with myself as I sit at work, debating whether I will indulge in a small skinny cappuccino or wait until the afternoon for my celery sticks and hummus. 

Then there is the weekly "weigh in".  A dreaded day for me..I have lost some weight, but I'm just not jumping for joy at my miraculous results like lots of the other members online are.

I don't like to use the word failure, but I have been a bit of a failure over the last six weeks on my journey to being a healthier person.  I thought doing something like this program would help me, and while I applaud those who thrive on this sort of calculated program and achieve the results they are wanting, I just don't know if it's for me.  Not being able to focus on anything other than the food I get to eat that day is definitely not a healthy mindset in my opinion, and that's what this is doing to me.  Not to mention I'm getting pretty grumpy with my limited calorie intake... poor Reid :(

In short, this is in no way an attempt to discourage people from doing Michelle's program.  As I said, it has worked for a lot of people and that's great, I just don't think it's for me.  I really want to focus on health, the only reason I seem so focussed on weight is because of my fear of how others see me.  While I do want to lose weight, I really need to try and focus on other things, like listening to my body and treating it with respect.  The way my mind is bashing at my body right now is definitely not healthy and is definitely not what I was aiming for by doing this challenge.  I have hit the halfway mark however, and will see how I go for the next six weeks and if nothing else, this has been an excellent learning experience on the way to better health.

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