Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Struggle Street, Tasmania, Australia, 7018

Struggle street.

That term is thrown around a lot these days and everyone has been a resident at some point in their lives.  Some people have even built a permanent home there, cemented their foundations and bricked up the walls so they can't break free whether they want to or not.  They have given up and believe that their lives are always going to be this way.  I see people every day in my job who believe that this is their reality, their only option, their only road.  It breaks my heart and often there isn't anything I can do to help.  This is not a place I want to be, but right now, I do have a little tent erected in the middle of this road.  It's not permanent, and I will be doing my best to move the hell out, but right now, that's where I am.

A lot has been going on in my life over the past few months.  I haven't realised at the time because it's just what my life has been, but as I look back even over the past few weeks, I have found myself slumping into a bad place both mentally and physically. 

If you've read my last posts, I have been busily focusing on ejecting as much positive energy and positive thoughts into my life as I possibly can, trying desperately to push away all the negativity that has surrounded me for years.  While this may sound like an easy thing to do, it really isn't.  I get so mad at myself now every time an ounce of negativity creeps into my mind that I ultimately beat myself up even more than I would have in the first place.  "Come on Katy, you're a changed person now, stop being so weak and focus on the good things".  It's like I will no longer allow myself to feel down or upset about anything because that is betraying what my mind is trying to achieve.  It's exhausting.  Today I have come to the realisation that I need to accept any of the feelings that I may have on a day to day basis.  Nobody is positive all the time, it's just not realistic. It's really hard to be honest with myself when I feel like I have to be feeling a certain way all the time.  I look at my medication packet and wonder if I even have control of my own mind right now.  Am I controlling my own thoughts?  Am I the one being positive or is it just the medication changing my brain?  In some ways it terrifies me that I have even gone down the medication road.  It is still having a not-so-great effect on my body which I am absolutely hating but it does seem to help me with the daily things that I used to find such an incredible struggle.  So what do I do in this situation?  Suffer through the constant feeling of people thinking I'm overweight (often people say this to me, it's happened on more than one occasion, even if some people don't come out and say it literally), plus some other side effects that aren't desired, or do I risk going backwards with my mental health, knowing that there is a solution out there that has helped me.  The fact that I am an emotional eater does not help with any of these issues, even though I might be eating the right things (definitely not always) I just feel like there is this big cloud hanging over my head waiting to punish me every time I put a foot wrong.

This will pass.  I will dismantle my tent one day soon when I can reach a solution to the issues that I am facing right now.  I will work through it and will realise that things will be OK.  I will be OK.  Right now though, I'm going back into my sleeping bag to brainstorm and find my way out of this mess.

1 comment:

  1. Glad you're only in a tent Kate. If you poke your head out you might be surprised to find its tent city with many of your friends, family and colleagues there with you! The medication is helping you to look at different strategies and then they will become your first response and one day you may be making these decision on your own.
    You are a credit to our family my dear and an inspiration to those that are privileged to know you. Your honestly is heartening as many feel like you but don't have the guts to say so!!
    Love you always xoxoxoxo