I have been trying so hard to focus in a positive way when I talk to or about myself, not in a way to make myself sound like I think I'm better than others, but just in a way to actually not be self loathing. To be honest, I'm finding it really exhausting. It's like I have surges. Surges where I feel content and able to be nice to myself and then all of a sudden another surge of hatred and negativity overtakes that and I'm right back where I started. It turns out that making the decision to try and love yourself is much harder than actually doing it.
Self destructive behaviour is really common, I know that. Normally, my behaviour changes depending on the day. A lot of people see Mondays as a negative thing and I have to admit that has been me and I don't love getting up for work after a lovely weekend, but Mondays I always tend to have more resolve and seem more able to treat myself with respect. I always eat healthier on a Monday and I feel like this week, things will be different. I won't drink too much wine this Saturday night and I won't get any take away and I will exercise every damn day. Needless to say, this often doesn't happen and when it doesn't, the internal abuse begins. Friday and Saturday nights seem to be this blocked out time in my mind where I can do whatever I want food, drink and behaviour wise. It's been like this for as long as I remember and it's really hard for me to break out of this. Especially when I really enjoy relaxing and having a drink and some not-so-great-for-you-but-oh-so-tasty food. I obviously don't have the best will power, in fact, sometimes it's pretty much non-existent. I don't know if it's the same for everyone out there, but far out, there is nothing that makes me happier than a good meal with people I love. Luckily or unluckily for me, the people I love tend to feel the same! I know I should be making something healthy rather than ordering some beautiful pasta from the Italian place down the road and I should probably be eating the cous-cous salad that I made to have through the week rather than order a souvlaki from the take away shop up the street. Don't get me wrong, I do eat healthily a lot of the time, but every time I eat unhealthily, I enjoy it in the moment but then completely hate myself afterwards. So, I need to really ask myself whether that feeling is worth it? I know that it's not but it feels so good at the time.
It's really not rocket science. Hate your body? Don't eat crap. Treat it with respect. Exercise. I have been implementing these things into my daily routine but when I don't get the results that I want, as quickly as I want, I feel like a complete failure. The fact that my medication doesn't help isn't an ideal situation, but I can't use that as an excuse forever. I also can't talk to myself in a horrible way forever. I've started trying to stop myself as soon as the internal nastiness starts and I ask myself if I would talk to my best friend the way I am talking to myself? The answer is always no. My mind really can be horribly nasty to me and no matter what anyone says, it is really hard to control. It's bad enough if there are people in your life who treat you like crap, but doing it to yourself is seriously unacceptable. Trying to reverse something that has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember is really hard. Really, really hard. But this time last year, I wouldn't have even been aware of it and now, I know that I need to try and stop. At least that's a start and that's what I have to accept for now and keep trying to make progress on this journey towards self-acceptance and self- love.