Saturday, 13 April 2013

I miss you.

The very first post I wrote here was about my Nanna Sue and what an incredible inspiration she was to me, and still is.
I have had a particularly tough week this past week, not for any stand out reason, I've just struggled with a lot of things.  If there is one thing that I feel that I could always draw from Nanna Sue, it would be strength.
This woman was the strongest, most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life.  She had advice for any and every situation that would always put it into perspective for me and give me the courage to push myself past whatever obstacle I may have been facing at the time.  It's really, really hard being without her right now.  I need a Nanna Sue pep talk.
I try to imagine what she would say to me to help in my current situation, but no matter how much I try to channel her, any words that I imagine her saying turn to foggy mush and I can't make anything out.  Right now I truly don't understand how I have managed without her for almost two years.  How have I picked myself up and tried again without her constant encouragement, how have I coped not being able to tell her about what I am doing in my job?  How have I coped not being able to ask her advice with all the big decisions I have been making lately?  And how have I coped without her quiet strength inspiring me to push on, no matter how much I want to climb into my bed and stay there forever.
I feel lost and confused and sad without her. 
I know that's selfish, but right now, I really need my Nanna Sue.  I need to sit at her kitchen table with a cup of tea and a piece of fruit cake and tell her about my life.  I miss seeing her across from me, absorbing every word, never interrupting, never making me feel silly for babbling, always thinking through a careful response.  I want her to take my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright, that I am capable of getting through anything and I need her to tell me what she thinks I should do.  She would know.  She would have the perfect words to make everything feel alright again and I guess this is the first time that I have been through something truly difficult without her here.
The last two years have been a whirlwind of finishing Uni, starting work, planning a wedding and creating an adult life - now I am in a routine that I don't know if I'm entirely happy with, and I don't have Nanna Sue here to help me talk it through.
The last thing Nanna Sue ever said to me, was that she hoped God would bless me all the days of my life.  And I am so, so incredibly blessed as I have said a hundred times before, but today it has just hit me how much I miss her.  Even just sitting with her in the garden, not talking, clipping at her lavender bush and pulling out weeds.  I miss her home made porridge with condensed milk on top and I miss being able to actively admire how she lived her life, still doing the majority of things for herself and living alone at 96 years old.
That question she would ask at the beginning of every visit: "Now, how long can you stay?"
My response was always merely hours, and all I want to do right now is to go to her house and answer her with "forever please".

1 comment:

  1. Katy I have nothing to say other than, the other part of her comment to you was 'to put God before man'.
    Praying that might add to helping rather than not.
    Love Mum xo