Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Change is as good as a holiday (...but even holidays make me nervous)

Change is inevitable. 

From the moment you're born, you begin to change and grow and learn - and most of the time, this can be seen as a positive thing.  When I was young, I took change in my stride.  Obviously growing is something I had no control over, neither was the darkening of my hair or the gradual change from hazel to green colouring in my eyes, but once again as I became older, change became something that I would come to dread. 

A lot of the time, things changing have resulted in really positive outcomes, but let me tell you, I have fought and struggled (and lost) against many of the things that have culminated in what my life is today.  I had to change schools when I was in grade 5 and I was absolutely terrified (which let's face it, is a pretty normal reaction for a 10 year old child who has created a comfort zone in one school to being moved to an incredibly different school in every sense of the word), but it turned out to be the absolute best time of my life by the time I reached grade 12.  I dreaded going to Uni from college.  I cried for my entire first week, but three years later, walked across a stage and collected a degree that I had worked hard to earn, and made some new friends in the process.  When I was 14 I traded my long, relaxed summer holidays and fun-filled weekends for numerous shifts at McDonald's, where once again I cried and even became sick because I was so terrified of everything it entailed, yet I made some of the best friends in the world there and learnt so many skills that have helped me gain the job that I'm in today. So it would seem that change should really be seen as a friend, not a foe, but no matter how I try to reason with myself and convince myself that this is the case, it just doesn't seem to register with my brain in the slightest. 

Basically, almost everything makes me nervous.  The tiniest, stupidest things can make me so terrified that I physically have to force myself to do them somehow.  Most days it is an insane struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning and drive to work.  I have quickly come to learn that days are never predictable and I need to expect the unexpected.  My personality really doesn't cope very well with the unexpected.  I like structure and plans and knowing what I am in for.  My brain and my nerves just can't handle unforeseen circumstances and sometimes I truly feel like I could have a panic attack simply because I have to do something different.  Take for example, a trip away.  Now normally, this would be something to get excited about and look forward to.  Me: Nope.  I am a chronic over-thinker.  I stress about airports and flying and knowing where I am when I get there and getting to the hotel safely and knowing what to do from there and worrying about being late to the airport to get home and on and on it goes until something that should be a good thing, turns into a nightmare for me and everyone else who has to put up with me at the time!

It's quite funny really; I hate change, but I really wish that I could change that about myself!  I want to embrace spontaneity and see the world and do things on a whim and enjoy an adrenaline rush instead of dreading even the slightest absence of predictability.  I guess it's a good thing that I have no choice but to cope with change.  As much as even the smallest change can make me panic, once I've successfully dealt with it and conquered it, and can look back and even realise that I enjoyed it - my perspective tends to....you guessed it: change.        

1 comment:

  1. What a true reflection this is young Kate, but you know what, it takes a true reflection to be able to make the change you so desire to see.

    The wonderful thing you have on your side is that you are never alone in your endeavours. How much support do you have in Reid? Dad and myself? Your siblings? (This can be disguised by them in so many ways ). Family and friends?

    Even more than this, you have your faith and the support of someone who loves you more than any of us ever could, and He is with you in all you do all the way every time. You truly never have to face these struggles alone Kate. Let yourself take the opportunities He has provided to you so you can grow into the woman He wants you to be, and ultimately the one you also aspire to be.

    Love you darling, Mum XOXOXOXO